The Day I stopped Calling Kids Stubborn

I'll never forget the little boy who changed the way I talked about picky eating. He was three years old. His mom sat there looking completely exhausted. You know that look? The one that says, "I've already negotiated with a tiny boss before 8:00 a.m., and now we're arguing about noodles." She sighed and said something I've heard hundreds of times over the years. "He's just so stubborn."

I smiled because, honestly, I understood why she felt that way. She had made his favorite pasta. He asked for it. She made it. She served it. He looked at it...and refused to touch it. Ten minutes later he was asking for fruit snacks.

If you're a parent, you probably laughed a little because we've all been there. From the outside, it certainly looked like stubbornness. If I'm being honest, years ago I probably would have used that word too. But somewhere along the way—through hundreds upon hundreds of therapy sessions, becoming a mom myself, and spending more time listening than talking—I stopped seeing a child who was just being stubborn and started to look deeper into the situation..

Kids who were trying to tell us something with the only tools they had in that moment. Sometimes those tools look like pushing the plate away. Sometimes they look like tears. Sometimes they look like suddenly insisting they only eat foods that start with the letter "C." (Kids are so unpredictable, am I right?!)

And that shift completely changed how I viewed mealtime battles.

When we hear the word stubborn, we picture a child digging in their heels just because they can. Almost like they're thinking, "Let's see how much I can frustrate Mom tonight."

The truth? That's almost never the entire story. Sometimes it's a child whose sensory system notices that tonight's pasta is just a little softer than yesterday's.

Sometimes it's a child who spent all day holding it together at daycare and simply has nothing left in the tank by dinner.Sometimes it's a little one discovering they have opinions—and dinner happens to be one of the safest places to practice having them. And sometimes... They're just not hungry.

Think about it. They come home from daycare starving because lunch was hours ago. They inhale a snack like they've never seen food before. Then thirty minutes later we lovingly place dinner on the table and wonder why they're suddenly "being difficult." Honestly? I'd probably pass on a full meal after demolishing a granola bar, string cheese, applesauce pouch, and handful of Goldfish too.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have absolutely worked with children who knew exactly how to push every button their parents had. They're smart. Really smart. Like too smart for the own good, obviously. But I still think we, as adults, often expect too much from tiny humans whose brains are still under construction.

Adults do this all the time. Have you ever opened the refrigerator five different times hoping something magically changed? Or ordered one thing at a restaurant, only to experience immediate food envy when your spouse's meal arrived?

We call that being human.

When toddlers do it, we call them stubborn.

Becoming a mom softened my perspective even more. There have been evenings when I've caught myself wanting to say, "Seriously? You loved this yesterday."

Then I stop. Take a breath. And remind myself of the very thing I tell families every day. Behavior is communication. Instead of asking, "How do I get my child to eat this?" I try asking myself, "What might my child be telling me and why?"

Those two polarizing questions lead to completely different dinners. One creates a power struggle. The other creates curiosity. And curiosity is a much better place to parent from. It allows for us to hold our boundaries around food without giving in if we remain calm and curious.

It allows us to stay calm, hold our boundaries, and respond thoughtfully instead of reacting out of frustration. And when we have the right words to respond to our child with, life gets even easier.

It's exactly why I created my free guide, 5 Feeding Therapist Scripts to Stop Mealtime Battles.

Enter your email to receive a FREE copy here.

That little boy? He wasn't stubborn. He was overwhelmed. His mom wasn't failing. She simply needed someone to help her see what was underneath the behavior. By the end of our time together, dinner hadn't become perfect. There were still foods he refused. There were still hard nights. But something had changed. Mom stopped seeing every "no" as defiance. She started seeing it as information. Her shoulders relaxed. Dinner became quieter. And ironically, as the pressure decreased, so did many of the food battles.

So if your child pushes away the strawberries they begged for yesterday or refuses the grilled cheese they requested five minutes ago or declares their favorite macaroni is suddenly "too yellow"...

Before you label them as stubborn, pause for just a moment.

Ask yourself: "What if my child isn't trying to win a battle...what if they're trying to tell me something?" or "What if the behavior that is frustrating me most is actually my child's way of asking for help?".

Maybe they're overwhelmed. Maybe they're exhausted. Maybe they're seeking a little control in a world where adults make almost every decision for them. Maybe they simply aren't hungry. You may not always know the answer. But asking a question changes everything.

Because when we replace assumptions with curiosity, we stop seeing defiance. We start seeing our child.

That one shift has changed the way I practice as a feeding therapist. It's changed the way I parent.

And I hope, maybe, it changes dinner at your house too.

Because calm is possible. 💚